Slowing Way Down (writing circle 7/30)

What I really want to write about is slowing down. Slowing down is something that is on my mind more and more each day that I wake up lately. It's actually the exact polar opposite of how I was waking up feeling a few months ago at home. Then I would wake up and immediately list in my head the things that I had to get done that day. The things I wanted to get through or get off my plate is how I used to think about it all. People who were close to me would tell me I needed to slow down, and consciously I would agree with them, but I simply couldn't match the feeling with the intention. Now, each day that I wake up I feel like I want to become slower and slower. I feel myself drawn to those things that purposely make me go slow. Especially the things that are uncomfortably slow. Those feel the best these days. As I look around my bedroom in the morning I can feel a shift happening and I do less and less. I can feel the pull of not filling my days with places to be or people to meet. I feel that as I allow myself to be drawn to those practices and ways of being that really make me go very slow something about my drive and go-go-go style will simply fall away. Feels like a melting. As if these qualities would melt into something new. I realize someone said something really accurate yesterday when they reminded me, those qualities of analyzing, deciding, getting things done are always going to be there. You've strengthened that part of yourself so much it will always be there to go back to. It's the slowing down and going deep within yourself that really needs to be cultivated and then you'll be able to blend the two together, it's like alchemy.

Love is... (Writing Circle 7/9)

Love is completely being yourself with someone. Love is walking in the rain and singing softly to yourself. Love is sharing your grief and sadness with someone who's there. Love is noticing a butterfly cross your path. Love is laughing out loud and not caring hears you. Love is singing in the car to my favorite song.

Love is when a baby falls asleep in your arms. Love is when a little girl holds your hand for no reason. Love is cuddling your lover in front of a fireplace. Love is chocolate. Love is dark chocolate with a bottle of red wine. Love is wine tasting with your most fun girlfriends. Love is a spa day with any girlfriend. Love is a deep tissue massage followed by a flower bath and hot tea. Love is the sunset at Ocean Beach.

Love is doing yoga a sunrise. Love is watching the sunrise. Love is a new born puppy. Love is coming home to that puppy when they jump on you. Love is a long, strong, juicy hug from anyone you feel right with. Love is a long slow passionate kiss with someone you feel right with.

Love is a cool, tall, drink on a hot summer day. Love is a warm, cozy house that feels like home. Love is cooking a favorite meal with a close friend. Love is giving yourself freedom.

A Really Big Dream : My Journey

Life in Ubud is filled with dreamers, shamans, healers, artists and average people just trying to make a rupiah or two and get by. It's amazing how our days are filled here and what seems common place around spirituality, the afterlife and respecting the Balinese balance between the physical life and the spirit world. The spirit world is real here, it's a part of daily ritual and routine and must be respected. The Balinese believe this is what keeps the balance. Life can never be all good, there will always be evil, but maintaining a balance with respect to evil spirits and gods is how they find their feet firmly planted on the ground. There are lower animal spirits under the ground, one has to be careful they don't enter you through your feet, when you're not paying attention.

I've always had really vivid nocturnal dreams.  For as long as I can remember I would wake up with a full memory of lots of details happening in my dreams. Sometimes they would mirror waking life, sometimes they were just confusing. For years I've been keeping dream journals on and off, writing it all down in the middle of the night or in the morning. I never know what to do with them after, I keep them in a journal feeling like there's something important in them and one day someone will help explain them to me.

Ubud is filled with people who delve into anything spiritual, energetic & psychic. My friend Jane has studied dream work for years, so she was happy to help me talk through dream after dream, unpack some of the hidden meaning and then work on creating a dream journal I could use.

A couple of weeks ago I had a really big dream. Jane's comment was, "Carl Jung would call this a really big dream, I would call this a really big dream." It was filled with me going through doorways and portals, revisiting my old grammar school, my brother calling me on the phone as I was about to head down a terrifyingly steep hill on my bike. Then, as I turned off to avoid going down the hill I ended up in some one's front yard and as my brother was still talking to me on the phone about the hill a guy came out of his house because he heard me fall. He was someone who had appeared in previous dream and Jane called him a "gatekeeper or the trickster". In this dream there were two gatekeepers I encountered. I also had a magic skirt that changed colors from when I originally bought it and would disappear and reappear as I left certain rooms and went through doorways. Symbolism for my life journey, this trip and nourishing my soul with new challenges and relationships appeared throughout the dream.

Then as I woke up I saw this block of cement when my eyes were closed and I heard someone say, " It's like this" and the cement block transformed and became this beautiful carved statue of a lion still keeping the same basic shape. I felt like it was showing me how the mind transforms things.

Part of my follow up in unpacking this dream was to go to one of the stone carving villages and buy a statue of a lion that resembles what I was shown in the dream. So last week I hired a driver and we went to Silakarang for 2 hours and just drove around visiting about 15 different stone carvers. Agung, the driver was so sweet and in the car as we were setting off he asked me what I was looking for. I was feeling a little silly and shy about why I was doing this, but I told him the whole story about the dream and seeing the lion statue at the end of the dream. He thought this was a great idea, completely normal. He completely agreed this was a good way to honor the dream. After two hours when I still wasn't finding many lions, Agung offered to help me have one made and he handled it for me. Negotiated with the stone carver, went to pick it up when it was done and delivered it to my house. He suggested what kind of basket to have it sit on and where to put the incense.

My Lion

Jane and I are still working on unpacking the symbolism in this particular dream, it's going to take us awhile. Now every morning  I see my Lion statue and believe it is my new animal ally that was brought to me in a dream...I'm starting to bring my dreams to life.

What I'm afraid to write about - Writing Circle 7/20

What I'm afraid to write about is how difficult I'm finding it to really explore and commit to having a personal spiritual practice. There I put it on paper which feels better because it feels like something that is lurking around in the jungle. The jungle within me and the jungle around me.

Makes me quietly laugh at myself because here I am in Ubud where healing and spiritual practice are everywhere. Transformation is a daily part of life. And here I am admitting the fear I have around really finding and committing to some spiritual practice that I'm not even sure of yet. Some spiritual practice that may find me instead of me having to do so much to uncover it. That was more my experience with my Judaism. I am Jewish. It's just a resonance I've always felt and a community that I've always been comfortable in. But even those foundations that are so strong need to be put aside for awhile so other parts can grow, flourish and maybe even compliment it. That's somewhat of how I feel. I think. Maybe.

I keep myself busy with socializing, meeting people, going to healers, talking about and doing yoga and thinking about meditation. I realize lately I think about meditation slightly more than I do it. I know this because I keep a little journal of insights and feelings I write down after I meditate, so the dates are there and I see how often I'm sitting, which wasn't the point when I started. It's just an after effect that now starts to nag at me sometimes.

Maybe this practice I feel I'm going to engage in will simply find me. Maybe it will simply unfold within me and for now I can just hop on someone's motorbike and go to dinner, jump in a car and head to Seminyak,  take cooking lessons,  host dinner parties and believe and trust my spiritual practice will show up one night at dinner.

Writing Circle @ Cafe Wayan

Behind my Bed

Tea at Sunset

Rice Fields at Sunset

Kunigan Services

Wayan's Offering Basket

Lotus with Bee

Ayu

Kunigan Services

Galungan & the Screaming Pig

Trying to meditate for 30 minutes before the sun goes down. Accosted by Cat's dog Hamish for a belly rub and some love and attention. Trying not to go to the fridge & eat before I meditate but I can't leave Hamish so I just enjoy the moment while I sit at the dining room table and give him a the belly run he wants. Eventually the time comes when I have to hit the mat to meditate. I can hear this screeching  like an animal screaming, but at this point it's not quite loud enough to penetrate my thoughts. I'm thinking about what I want to do next and Hamish needing a belly rub.

I grab the yoga mat, a bolster and my iPhone, gently let Hamish down by ending his belly rub and let him follow me to the pool while I set up to meditate. I assume the position and the timer begins. I feel a paw on my leg, then I feel a paw on my hand. I open my eyes and Hamish is on his back again and his paw is tapping my hand waiting for a belly rub.

Then I hear the most piercing noise I've ever heard. I hear screaming and screeching, like something is running for it's life. An animal is dying in a garden behind me or next to me and it sounds like a pig. It definitely sounds like a pig.

Galungan... Wednesday is the beginning of Galungan.

Galungan is a Balinese holiday that occurs every 210 days and lasts for 10 days. Kuningan is the last day of the holiday. Galungan means "When the Dharma is winning." During this holiday the Balinese gods visit the Earth and leave on Kuningan. The decorations are being built all over Ubud and in my head I'm already planning when I can go out in the morning to take pictures. Right now I'm in denial about the pig screeching, so I text Wayan for confirmation. "Hi my friend! Are u home? Can you hear that animal noise? What is that?". As I hit the send button Wayan walks into the garden, "Hello my friend - how are you?" she says.
"I was just texting you. Did you hear that noise?"  Wayan doesn't seem to know what noise I'm talking about so I try to imitate it, "It was like EEEwwwweeeccchhh" I screech. Wayan starts cracking up. She still doesn't know what I'm talking about.  I'm sure it will happen again so I decide to be patient and wait.  Wayan and I head to the bedroom to look at the new Kabaya, sash and sarong I bought for Galungan. She has invited me to the temple with her family and then to her house for the the beginning of Galungan. Everyone will go to their village temple with their family to pray in the morning. The ceremonial dress for woman is a long fitted lace or cotton traditional Balinese blouse called a "Kebaya" worn with a sash around the waist and sarong. Since I'm going to temple with Wayan's family and then back to her house after I went out and bought a really pretty outfit. I was so touched and excited she invited me with her family, I have a real occasion to wear it all.

As we're checking out the outfit in the bedroom I hear it again. "Eeeewwwwhhheeewwww...eeeeecccchhhhh". The loud screaming of an animal in pain.
"That sound" I say to Wayan. "Oh that, yes" she replies, "that's a pig". All I can say is, "what are they doing?" I think I already know the answer but I have to ask.

"They are probably chasing it around trying to chase it's hoofs together" and she makes the gesture of hooves tied together, "so tomorrow they can" and she takes her finger to her neck showing me the international sign for slitting it's throat. All I can say is, " I was afraid of that". Wayan says, "he's probably squealing because he knows they are going to slit his throat. " and she giggles a little, she's gently laughing at the look on my face. "Don't worry Jen, they not do it now, they maybe do it tonight around 3-4 in the morning." That's not reassuring to me. You have no idea how close it sounds - like it's happening in the backyard. "Ugh" and I make another face. Wayan laughs at me, " you like pig Jen?" All I can say is, " I did like pig, now not so much, it's a little too close for comfort". Then Wayan starts teasing me about Wednesday when someone offers me pig on Wednesday and all I can think about is the shrieking I heard today. As we walk out of the gate together she's still teasing me about hearing the pig in the middle of the night. When we part ways we both giggle and say, "Mimpi Manis Pig". (sweet dreams)

That night I didn't hear another sound from the neighbors pig.  When I asked Cat about it she confirmed that, yes, they were slaughtering they pig, Wayan just didn't want to upset me. It's Galungan...

Hamish

Letting go of the word SHOULD (Writing Circle 6/22)

I am willing to let go of all my preconceived ideas of what I should be doing with my time here. This precious time spent in this beautiful place. I am even willing to let go of the word should while I learn to do this. If I should do, should have, any of those should moments pop into my head, I am willing to let go of whatever it is simply because I thought about it as a "should". How much space would that leave for myself? How much energy would that free up to allow me to simply sit quietly, do nothing and not expect anything because the only thinking words I'm using start with "should".

I'm willing to leave that space open for myself to find out. In fact this morning was a beautiful moment in doing that. I arrived excited and simply in awe of the beautiful place I just moved into and 100 things crossed my mind as Wayan was moping the floor of the fantastic outdoor kitchen and dining room. I should get lunch. I should go to an Internet cafe and write a few entries for my blog. I should download the photos from yesterday and last night because other people have already posted theirs.

But I did nothing, I let myself be still I watched Wayan move comfortably and quietly around the house. I listened to her when she explained where things were  and how to turn on and off the lights. I read my book. I figured out the most comfortable position with the pillows on the new couch I was settling into. I unpacked a few things. When Wayan offered me something to drink, I asked her sweetly for some tea, instead of saying I could make it myself, or maybe saying no and making it after she left. I just smiled and said, "yes please, that sounds great".

When she left to go home, I had the funniest moment with myself about what I should and shouldn't do for myself. She offered to cook me breakfast in the morning, I just took a breath, thought about it and said to her, " No, I have to leave early in the morning, but I would love it if you would cook me dinner instead."

The New Moon and the ATM Card

The day of the new moon begins with Wayan coming over dressed in a sarong and sash with a basket of offerings for the new moon. Alexsandra is staying with me for a few days, so we are both excited about how pretty Wayan looks. Alexsandra wants to know all about celebrating the new moon and what the offerings are for. All I can think about is how I lost my ATM card AGAIN. Second time in a month, just when I had to pay rent. As Alexsandra excitedly asks Wayan questions, all I can say to them is, " Oh Wayan, I was hoping the offerings were to ask for getting my ATM card back!" . They laugh at me and remind me the intention of making offerings is not to get anything back. You're not supposed to be asking for anything!

The rest of the day is spent making a trip to the Bank to rescue the ATM card from the machine I left it in again. Quietly, I'm feeling like someone needs to rescue me from myself. After that I organize, sort my belongings, making sure everything is in order and feel like I know where everything is. I need to feel grounded.

Meanwhile Wayan is cooking all afternoon for the gathering at Diane's villa. I have my camera out to take pictures of Wayan looking so pretty in her sarong and sash. I love to photograph her cooking. Making eggs for us, smiling and laughing with us. As I'm hanging around the house during the day Wayan cooks nasi goreng and veggie rolls with peanut sauce for me to bring to Diane's in the evening. The smell of onions and garlic heating up in coconut oil fills the outdoor kitchen. The house feels relatively cool compared to the humidity that's building outside. The afternoon drifts on as Alexsandra heads out to search for a new place to stay. I write some postcards and check email at an internet cafe.

Wayan's feast she has prepared for Diane's gathering is truly beautiful. There's a tomato cut into the shape of a rose that decorates the big bowl of nasi goreng. Little chili peppers cut in half daintily adorn the peanut sauce for the veggie rolls. Everything she does has such beautiful style. Simple yet elegant. Done with such love and warmth you just want to photograph it all, at least I do.

After two or three failed attempts at calling a taxi driver I finally end up heading out to Ubud Road to look for a taxi. I flag down two guys who probably aren't really taxi drivers, they just want the money. Not very grounded or savy but we're late and by this point we just need a ride. I swear you could walk through Ubud and every other step you hear someone say" Transport" or "Taxi - where you go?" But when I'm an hour late with 3 bowls of food...well, I don't need to go further with that one.

Finally we arrive at Diane's, the table is beautiful and everyone is hungry. We all get a little food and head upstairs. We're going to talk, hang out and do a short Dream Journey or Shamanic Journey in honor of the new moon. Jane has brought her drum and she is going to guide us through it. It's our gathering to honor the new moon, new intentions and new beginnings. Jane makes sure we're grounded, we lie on our yoga mats outside on the balcony of the Villa. As Jane begins to drum I can hear the dogs barking outside, the night crickets chirping and smell the smoke coming from the loud crackling fire in the fire pit below.
We begin the journey by lying quietly and still on our yoga mats, being lulled into a sleepy state by the rhythmic sounds of Jane's drumming. Silently, everyone goes into their own individual journey.

In my journey I meet a big, white, beautiful dog named Alfred. He is gorgeous and regal, but also has big fangs and a dark mouth that shows how ferocious he can be. Alfred tells me he's one of my ancestors, part of my tribe and he's always with me. Then I get a picture of Sewa, the Balinese Goddess who is the destroyer. She symbolizes destroying negativity and I hear someone say she's here to help me destroy my negativity about men.

Then I feel a flash of insight or intuition and what I hear and feel clearly is that I lose my ATM card when I want to back out of this whole journey. Usually I want to back out when I feel like I'm spending too much money, like when I have to pay rent. As clear as I have heard anything I heard someone say, "This is a journey, it's not going to be a bargain or I'm not going to get a deal. I'm on my path. This is part of my path and it is what it is. It costs what it costs, it's my path."

So I ask, "Who are you? Who's saying this?" and the response was, "I'm the part of you that sees without looking."

I relax and breathe through the rest of the journey, talk with Alfred and then Jane brings us gently back to the room. We all begin to share. As I share my experience, everyone is so intrigued about the answer around the ATM card that they help me decide to put a post it note on my ATM card. It says,  " This is not about getting a bargain or a deal, this is about being on my path and I'm worth it."

I started today.

Wayan by the family temple with offerings for the new moon

In the kitchen with the Cuisinart

Wayan & I

Alexsandra & Wayan

More nasi goreng

Heating peanuts for sauce

Yum - peanut sauce

Dinner at Diane's villa

Terra & Kristin making the mandala

Lovely Ladies